No Way Out

Apparently, I gave Daddy a little panic attack this morning. When he got ready to leave for work, he couldn't find me anywhere. He couldn't find me up the stairs and couldn't find me under the beds. He looked up, down, and all around. He shouted my name inside and outside. Daddy began to think that I had vaporized into thin air.

I never said peep. As he yelled my name, I didn't bark to tell him where I was. I don't know why. Sometimes I'm just a quiet little fella who likes to mind his own business. Besides, this was my private refuge that I had uncovered all by myself, and I wasn't sure I wanted it exposed so quickly. The others might try to horn in on my new territory.

It all started when Daddy sat in the recliner early that morning and pulled the foot rest up. When he did that, I made the awesome discovery: it was all cavelike under there. It was dark and cool and unexplored. I was beyond excited to have a fresh new hide out place. I was wondering why I had never thought of this spot before. Of course I failed to realize that when he put the foot rest down, I would have no way out.

Daddy really strained his brain to think when he saw me last and that's when it dawned on him that I might be stuck under the chair. When he put the foot rest up, there I was, patiently waiting.

In order to get the most out of this ghastly situation, I put on my really pathetic face. Over the years, I have perfected this forlorn face. In fact, I used that face to get my mom to adopt me on the very first day we met, and it's worked ever since. But part of me was really sad that my new hiding place was no longer secret.

Izzy the Grouch

Well, the domination of Izzy continues. She has effectively taken over the entire household, including the food bowls. Even if I happen to get to the food first, she glares at me with a death stare until I move away. Once she has achieved this I am not allowed back at the bowl until she is finished.

Izzy is a very slow, yet voracious eater with a very tiny mouth, so it takes for-ev-er. If I get brave enough to stick my nose in she has the audacity to growl at me and show her teeth. It is a very unpleasant experience.

Food is my life. Well, my momma, too. What can I do with her?!

This Sign Stinks

My mom's daughter, Autumn, took this photo during her vacation in Portland, OR last year. It has just come to my attention and I find it completely and utterly crass. Besides, as my mom is well aware, when I have to go, I have to GO. How is she supposed to stop me? Yeah, that's what I thought.

My Mom, the Puparazzo

My mom, the puparazzo, is in full swing again. All I wanted was a peaceful evening on her lap. Instead I was forced to pose on a frilly blanket and asked repeatedly to smile for the camera. I'm a very private per...er...canine. Can't she see that I'm not enjoying this? When the ears lay flat on my head that is not a good sign. I've seen what Kiefer Sutherland does to paparazzi. Does she want me to go all 24 on her tail?

She did get one good action shot of me hunting the bunnies in our back yard, except the photograph doesn't show my tail which is always curved perfectly when I'm stalking prey. That would have really done a lot to enhance my macho image. Mom, can you do a better job next time of getting my entire body in the frame?

Checking In

Not much to report on the home front lately. My days are spent pining for my mom while she's away doing whatever it is she does, and sleeping. Oh, and eating - can't forget the most important activity!

Izzy started some kind of Savings & Bone plan by hiding food all over the house. Most of the time she forgets where she makes her deposits, and guess who benefits? My sniffer would outperform the best Bloodhound. She's really not very careful with her hiding places. I found a piece of kibble in my dog bed the other day. Maybe she was leaving me a treat. Who knows. She also left a morsel next to the toilet which mom found. She knows mom doesn't eat our food! That girl is an enigma.

Mom bought me a cushy new bed for her office because she didn't like the color of the other one. The replacement is much thicker and softer, so I wholeheartedly approve of the change.

Well, that's about it. I might bark some more later.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday Dear Sparky
Happy Birthday To Me!

Did I get a fancy cake? Did I get a big party to celebrate the big day? No and no. Oh, mom and dad gave me something all right. Can you guess what it was? No? Okay, it was a #%$#&! LOW CALORIE dog biscuit! They said it's for my own good and so I can live at least 7 more years. Who wants to live 7 more years eating that tasteless crap? I'll just continue to scavenge for the tasty treats the rabbits leave for me in the backyard. There! Problem solved.

Spoiled

I bet you think I'm going to talk about how spoiled I am, right? I wish! It's not me, it's Izzy. Look at her showing off her necklace like she's Queen Isabella of France instead of the ordinary canine she actually is. She's spoiled rotten by mom and dad, and she's also spoiled the fun for Chance and me, so the title of this post has a dual meaning. I'm really, really, very, VERY put out with Izzy right now.

Ever since Christmas, she has had some sort of ailment requiring medical attention. After the big to-do over her hospitalization, she has had three more "episodes". Such a drama queen. A few weeks ago she had a vomiting spell so severe that dad actually prayed to God to transfer her illness to him. She was incoherent, wobbly, and weak. After injecting water in her mouth with a syringe, she started coming out of it. Dad really thought she was a goner that time. They made a big deal over her for several days.

I was a little hurt.

Last week she had vomiting and diarrhea. More dramz! Izzy gets the whole house in a tizzy with her hysterics.She received special food that I was shooed away from at least a dozen times. Sometimes I don't feel so hot either, but I don't make a big deal about it. Perhaps I should feign illness to get special food and treatment.

Fast forward to last night: Mom came back from the store with fresh vegetables, saying she was finally going to eat healthy. Right away I didn't like the sound of that. She bit down on an orange stick and gave Chance and me a small piece. As I suspected, this food was revolting. We both spit it out in disgust with a WTF look on our faces. Izzy ran under Chance's nose and snatched the rejected scrap. Mom tried chasing her around the house to get it back, but she was too fast for mom. A couple hours later, Izzy's muzzle swelled up, making her look like a Shar Pei.

Once again, mom went into panic mode. Here we go!! Dad grabbed the benadryl and syringe in a knee-jerk reaction. Mom started telling him in that stressed out voice I hate, to let her call a friend to see what the correct dosage should be. She couldn't get her friend, so she googled and googled for almost an hour. Finally, they settled on a minuscule amount. They also decided that human treats were out of the question for ALL OF US. I can't tell you the state of depression that has put me in.

This morning Izzy's face was back to normal. Mom and dad were relieved. I just wonder what other shenanigans this hypochondriac has up her sleeve. To be continued...

A Doggone Great Christmas!

Our Christmas gatherings were very exciting this year. The parties included some little people that were very careless and clumsy with their food. I hit the jackpot. Shadowing each one closely, I cleaned up their little messes as they went from room to room.

Izzy didn't fare so well with this practice as she ended up going to the hospital two days later. You can read more about her experience here.

In addition to the human food, all us canines were given our own container of liver treats! Yay! That is my absolute favorite dog treat. The strong aroma of liver sends me into orbit every time.

By the end of the night, I suffered mild humiliation at the hands of the wee ones. The human food I was able to get from them made it all worth it, though.

Help! I've Been Elfed!

My mom is constantly thinking up ways to embarrass me.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Photo Shoot Time

Mom turned into a paparazzo this weekend, all because Izzy got a new outfit. My ears always lie flat against my head when the camera comes out. I think that's my most flattering look. Thank goodness I wasn't forced to wear hideous clothes, although I am sporting a fairly new red collar.Here's Izzy front and center as usual. In this case, I'm really glad. I like being the background decoration for her humiliation. BOL!

Bye, Spenser!

All last week I sensed Spenser failing. Mom's human boy, Greg, came to visit yesterday and cried a river of tears over him. Spenser tried to tell him it would be okay, but only Chance was able to put a paw on his shoulder to convey comfort. Spenser was having trouble breathing and his eyes were bloodshot and tired. It seemed he couldn't focus on anything. It was a sad, sad sight. The Beast, my nemesis, was growing dim. I don't know what the humans did, but they all got in the car and took him away. Mom returned later that night holding his leash and collar. Spenser was no longer with them. Chance and I sniffed, begging to know more, but they only said he had crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and we could not see him until we cross it ourselves one day.

Spenser, I'm sorry I bossed you around so much in life and hope you will forgive this grumpy, ol' fella. I really did love ya, man! You were a beast because of your size, but inside you were a true gentleman.

Check Me Out!

New toy(s)!

Yesterday I received a brand new toy and I adore it! Mom tried to give Izzy one just like it and she rudely turned her nose up at it and walked away! I would never act in such a despicable manner towards mom. Izzy's rejected toy was given to me because I'm such a devoted, loyal companion.

Here I am having a delightful time. These are the perfect size. I can squeak them all day if I want. If I wear it out, there's a spare squeaker. Thanks, mom!

I really wish mom didn't have to document every detail of my life.

I am really trying to communicate with my expression to give me my space and she just doesn't seem to get it. *sigh*

Mutiny

Last night I was involved in a nasty altercation with Chance, the lesser beast of the pack. I was simply doing my job, ensuring the rules - my rules - were being obeyed. We had recently finished eating dinner with mom; dad had just arrived home, so I knew more crumbs were forthcoming. Chance was getting a little too chummy with dad too quickly which infuriated me. This was a clear attempt to usurp my authority and gain a higher position at my expense.

I warned him with a low, authoritative growl to back away, but the mulish creature ignored me! Insubordination from lower pack members is forbidden in my rulebook; therefore, I was forced to issue a harsher edict with a series of growls and lunges which meant, “Take another step and you’re going to regret it.”

Chance has always accepted his place within the pack, and while he might resist my commands at times, he usually concedes. Instead, he brazenly violated my last order, which gave me no other option but to hurl my entire body into him with full force. This action caused Chance to retaliate in a most violent manner, and before I knew it, he brutishly tossed me onto my back with his mouth, sinking his teeth into my neck. I struggled and fought to free myself from his surprisingly vicious attack. If dad had not been standing there, I may have drawn my last breath, right there by the stove, the appliance I treasure the most.

Once dad forced Chance to let me go, I walked slowly over to mom with the most pathetic look I could muster, a big tuft of Chance’s fur hanging from the corner of my mouth. I begged her with my eyes to defend my honor by flogging him in front of everyone. Instead, I received a very humiliating reprimand. I was informed that I am not the boss of anyone in the house, and furthermore, if I don’t mind my P’s and Q’s, I might not be so lucky next time. Humph! I don’t care what they say, I am chief dog around here!

I spent the entire day at the vet’s office getting the royal treatment. Dad even brought my cushy bed for me to loll around in. I had a very exciting day which helped put the whole ghastly experience behind me.

I'm Missing Out!

Where are these parties? I want to get on the social circuit.

see more puppies

Izzy, Poo

Izzy remains persistent in her efforts to annoy me at bedtime. To make matters worse, she clamors to get on mom's lap when I'm on there! Surprise, surprise. *smirk* I don't know how much more of this brat I can take. Seriously. It's no fun when I have to share mom. *pouts*

New Development

Izzy is seriously starting to chap my tail. There are two crucial events each day that I look forward to with great anticipation. One is mealtime and the other is bedtime. It's bad enough that Izzy horns in on my plate licking, completely ignoring my angry growls, but when she begs to get into bed with mom and me at the end of the day, that’s a serious violation of the highest order.

When mom and I started sleeping in the big, tall bed due to daddy's snoring, I was forced to learn to climb a set of rickety steps in order to have bed privileges. It took a while, but I persevered. Mom tried to teach Izzy and gave up in no time at all. She scoops her up and Izzy immediately burrows underneath the covers to nestle into the softest part of mom's body: her midsection. She’s all, "Oh, Izzy's so small. There's no way she can climb those steps." They never make her work for things like I am forced to do.

Since this latest development, I am letting my contempt for the situation be known by pouting waiting under the bed until Izzy leaves to go night-night with daddy. Thankfully, her time with mom is only for a few minutes, which allows me to have the last bark. Once Izzy’s out of the room, I emerge from underneath the bed and jump confidently onto the soft mattress next to mom.

Why must I share my abode with this poopy girl and the other two beasts? I want to be an only dog, dangit!

Dog Speak

Did you know that canines have their own internet slang and abbreviations? As part of your continuing education, I have assembled a short list.

Pawrents
Pawsome
Pawsitive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOL - bark out loud
PITT - pain in the tail
ROTFLMTO - rolling on the floor laughing my tail off
LMTO - laughing my tail off
OTOP - on the other paw
BAYL - bark at you later
YTDNM - you're the dog now, man

Never Trust a Cat

Par-TAY

Saturday afternoon mom suddenly asks, "Sparky, you wanna go party?"

I thought she said potty, but she opened the garage door instead of the patio door, and at that moment I realized she meant "PAR-TAY!" I dashed out to the garage and sat beside the car door to make sure she knew that my answer was "YES!"

Dad packed the car with food, drinks, and other assorted items. We drove a long way to a house where all my favorite humans were gathered. They were eating, drinking, and playing loud music. They also played frisbee outside until a good natured, but uncouth pit bull, took a big steaming crap right in the middle of the yard WHILE THEY WERE PLAYING! It was so stinky mom ran away gagging. There was no more frisbee playing after that.

I'm afraid my partying days are behind me. Mom snapped this picture of me several hours later:

Desertion

I can hardly wait for my humans to be home on the weekends in order to give me their undivided attention. Most weekends, it works out splendidly. This past Friday, however, things started off a little shaky. First, the humans took out the big zippered bags from the top closet shelf. Immediately, Chance began to whine. Really, he sobbed like a baby. This got all the rest of us in a tizzy.

We had good reason to worry, too. The humans threw their clothes in those big bags and left with them early the next morning. They were gone before we even had a chance to say "woof". Dad put Izzy in the crate with food and the rest of us were left to fend for ourselves.

Later, mom’s younger human boy came over and spent the night. He was cool because he brought Leo over. We played and played.

Even though I was having fun, I kept wondering where our parents were and when they planned to return. I worried they may not make it back, so I had some posters made. The reward was going to be several liver treats - pretty tempting, huh?

Finally, late yesterday afternoon, they arrived home, tired and smelling of tamales. I was so overjoyed, I didn't even care that they didn't bring me a doggie bag. I was stuck to mom like glue for the rest of the night.

I've decided that the next time they get those bags down from the closet shelf, I'm going to jump in there and hide under the clothes when they're not looking.

Izzy the Pig

Sunday morning Daddy put food in our bowls as usual. Izzy went straight for our my bowl without a second glance to see if I might want to go first. She turned into a ravenous little pig, right before my eyes, gobbling up the morsels before I even had a chance to react. I stood behind her waiting patiently for my turn and also to let her know that - hello! - others are hungry, too. She responded by growling, showing her teeth, and glaring at me. The nerve! I thought mom might come to my rescue, but she only laughed, muttering something about how I've met my match. Whatever! Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, so I went and stood close to mom hoping for some comfort, or at least a few tidbits of human food. All I received were a couple of obligatory pats on the head. Hmph! When did I lose control?

Porn Dogs

Hubba hubba! Look at these sexy girls.

Toothacres

Father's Day started out deliciously with mom barbecuing on the patio. Two paws up for the new barbecue sauce with Guinness beer in it! YUM-MEE!

After our fill of chicken, we rode out to Arbor Hills Nature Conservatory where I almost fainted from the heat. So did mom.

The day ended in a most interesting manner: visiting a graveyard. Not just any graveyard, but a pet cemetery called Toothacres. Apparently, mom and dad had other dogs before me, but they crossed the Rainbow Bridge before I was born and are buried at Toothacres.

Something about that place creeped me out. My sniffer went bananas and I couldn't stop zig-zagging around those carved stones. I think I had what they call the heebie geebies. Fortunately, we didn't hang around there for long.

Izzy's Blog

Mom is forcing me to advertise Izzy's new blog in this post. I deeply resent this intrusion into my space with every strand of my fur. Okay, I've barked my peace, so go visit if you must. This is all the press she gets, though. *pouts*

Ooops!

Hmm.....wonder what happened to Izzy's new toy? Too bad, so sad.

Well, I would've gotten away with it, but I choked on the stuffing for several minutes. I was forced to go to mom for help. Drats! I must learn to be more cunning.

All Is Well

Last night dad gave me the last of that nasty pink liquid they call medicine. I'm as good as new now and hope to avoid fiascos like that in the future. Even if I forget, mom and dad have promised never to give me a ginormous treat like that again.

Yesterday, I was left in charge of the pack while mom and dad went out. I don't know where they went, but they were gone a very long time and returned to us smelling suspiciously of food. I think it was enchiladas, but there was a strong lime/tequila odor as well, so I can't be sure. I did notice there was no doggie bag for us, though. What nerve. Is that how you treat a supervisor? I kept everyone in line all afternoon and it was not an easy job.

All was forgiven later, when we were able to cuddle on the couch together - my 2nd favorite activity behind getting morsels of human food.

My Crappy Weekend

Friday night, mom came home with 2 plastic bags filled with goodies - all for me us! The suspense was killing me as she dug through the bags, pulling out the new packages one at a time and setting them on the counter. Was it toys, treats, or both?! Her intent was to give us the goodies at the same time, so it took a while to open all the packaging and get everything ready for the BIG HANDOUT. My tail was wagging so fast, I nearly fell over. Spenser placed his nose on the counter which mom knew was an unfair advantage, so she shooed him off, bopping him lightly on the nose. "No Spenser, you have to wait." Good thing she reprimanded him because I was about to read him his rights!

Finally, after hours of waiting, she gave each of us a blue ball. Inside the ball was a large treat. Immediately, I noticed that Spenser and Chance had larger treats than mine, so I devised a plan to hide mine behind the sofa, then charge at Spenser forcefully in hopes that he would become so afraid that he'd run away like the big scaredy cat he is. At that point, I would carry his treat to my special place behind the couch, where I would savor both of them while at the same time going “neener, neener” from my safe place. Well, my plan backfired. Spenser bared his teeth and barked right back at me. His bark was so loud it nearly blew me backwards across the room. Spit even flew out of his mouth! Ah well, no harm, no foul, I coolly returned to my special place and started working on my little ball, trying feverishly to pop the treat disc out.

Spenser and Chance popped their treats out in no time flat. I ventured out from behind the couch to see what crumbs I could get from them, but they were gnawing away with such ferocity that I decided to play it safe, going back to my own scrawny little ball. Pretty soon though, I was able to get the treat out. I ate incredibly fast so that no one else could get it. Yay me!

The next day I pooped several times and my poopies had blood in it. I also threw up. Mom went out for a bit and when she came back, there was more poop and more vomit. Dad asked if we should go to the emergency room. Mom said to wait another day and see what happens. In the meantime, she checked my gum color and watched me like a hawk the rest of the day.

That night, as mom and I snuggled in bed, I moaned and groaned. During the night, I pooped again, but when Mom inspected it the next morning, there was no blood. Thinking I was getting better, she went to the movie with a friend and stayed gone for a long time. When she returned, I had more accidents in the house, including vomit. Daddy said we had run out of carpet cleaner. Since my gum color was fine and I had drunk a little water, mom and dad decided I would see Dr. Fred on Monday morning (today). Daddy even canceled his visit to the dentist, he was so worried about me.

Dr. Fred's nurses are sadistic! They stuck two contraptions up my bum, probed me all over, and peered into my mouth and ears. My displeasure was evident, but they didn't seem to care. Doc said my poop sample indicated that I had something called "enteritis". I was sent home on antibiotics, a liquid medication, and 3 cans of bland food. My $12 treat ended up costing an additional $71, lost sleep, and a new bottle of carpet cleaner.

Sadly, my body has betrayed me, because I'm pretty sure mom will never buy me a treat like that again.

Chihuahua vs Doberman

Can you believe this little wimp was too scared to snatch the bone from that ogre? I would've had that bone in my mouth before you could say "boo". It's all in the attitude, people.

I'm Baaack!

I miss journaling. Of course, mom has to bring my thoughts to life since my delicate paws are not equipped for the mundane task of typing. Pack leaders never perform menial labor, anyway. Where has she been lately, you ask? I can't prove it, but I suspect she has been doing her own journaling at my expense. Well, that's about to change. I do have a life and I want it reported!

For instance, today mom came home and completely threw me off schedule by going straight to the computer instead of to the refrigerator. I was aghast! 'What, no dinner?' I pleaded with my eyes. She continued to ignore me and type on the computer, while I sat there starving. Finally, an hour later she went downstairs and heated up a can of chicken and dumplings which has been our standby all week, and I must admit, it is yummy. For dessert we had a Nutty Buddy - that's my favorite part. Unfortunately, it's also the favorite of Izzy, Chance and Spenser. By the time mom divides the last little bit into four sections, it's hardly worth salivating for.

See, I do have important things going on in my life.

Well, that's enough thinking for one day; I need another nap.