Help! I've Been Elfed!

My mom is constantly thinking up ways to embarrass me.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Photo Shoot Time

Mom turned into a paparazzo this weekend, all because Izzy got a new outfit. My ears always lie flat against my head when the camera comes out. I think that's my most flattering look. Thank goodness I wasn't forced to wear hideous clothes, although I am sporting a fairly new red collar.Here's Izzy front and center as usual. In this case, I'm really glad. I like being the background decoration for her humiliation. BOL!

Bye, Spenser!

All last week I sensed Spenser failing. Mom's human boy, Greg, came to visit yesterday and cried a river of tears over him. Spenser tried to tell him it would be okay, but only Chance was able to put a paw on his shoulder to convey comfort. Spenser was having trouble breathing and his eyes were bloodshot and tired. It seemed he couldn't focus on anything. It was a sad, sad sight. The Beast, my nemesis, was growing dim. I don't know what the humans did, but they all got in the car and took him away. Mom returned later that night holding his leash and collar. Spenser was no longer with them. Chance and I sniffed, begging to know more, but they only said he had crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and we could not see him until we cross it ourselves one day.

Spenser, I'm sorry I bossed you around so much in life and hope you will forgive this grumpy, ol' fella. I really did love ya, man! You were a beast because of your size, but inside you were a true gentleman.

Check Me Out!

New toy(s)!

Yesterday I received a brand new toy and I adore it! Mom tried to give Izzy one just like it and she rudely turned her nose up at it and walked away! I would never act in such a despicable manner towards mom. Izzy's rejected toy was given to me because I'm such a devoted, loyal companion.

Here I am having a delightful time. These are the perfect size. I can squeak them all day if I want. If I wear it out, there's a spare squeaker. Thanks, mom!

I really wish mom didn't have to document every detail of my life.

I am really trying to communicate with my expression to give me my space and she just doesn't seem to get it. *sigh*

Mutiny

Last night I was involved in a nasty altercation with Chance, the lesser beast of the pack. I was simply doing my job, ensuring the rules - my rules - were being obeyed. We had recently finished eating dinner with mom; dad had just arrived home, so I knew more crumbs were forthcoming. Chance was getting a little too chummy with dad too quickly which infuriated me. This was a clear attempt to usurp my authority and gain a higher position at my expense.

I warned him with a low, authoritative growl to back away, but the mulish creature ignored me! Insubordination from lower pack members is forbidden in my rulebook; therefore, I was forced to issue a harsher edict with a series of growls and lunges which meant, “Take another step and you’re going to regret it.”

Chance has always accepted his place within the pack, and while he might resist my commands at times, he usually concedes. Instead, he brazenly violated my last order, which gave me no other option but to hurl my entire body into him with full force. This action caused Chance to retaliate in a most violent manner, and before I knew it, he brutishly tossed me onto my back with his mouth, sinking his teeth into my neck. I struggled and fought to free myself from his surprisingly vicious attack. If dad had not been standing there, I may have drawn my last breath, right there by the stove, the appliance I treasure the most.

Once dad forced Chance to let me go, I walked slowly over to mom with the most pathetic look I could muster, a big tuft of Chance’s fur hanging from the corner of my mouth. I begged her with my eyes to defend my honor by flogging him in front of everyone. Instead, I received a very humiliating reprimand. I was informed that I am not the boss of anyone in the house, and furthermore, if I don’t mind my P’s and Q’s, I might not be so lucky next time. Humph! I don’t care what they say, I am chief dog around here!

I spent the entire day at the vet’s office getting the royal treatment. Dad even brought my cushy bed for me to loll around in. I had a very exciting day which helped put the whole ghastly experience behind me.

I'm Missing Out!

Where are these parties? I want to get on the social circuit.

see more puppies

Izzy, Poo

Izzy remains persistent in her efforts to annoy me at bedtime. To make matters worse, she clamors to get on mom's lap when I'm on there! Surprise, surprise. *smirk* I don't know how much more of this brat I can take. Seriously. It's no fun when I have to share mom. *pouts*

New Development

Izzy is seriously starting to chap my tail. There are two crucial events each day that I look forward to with great anticipation. One is mealtime and the other is bedtime. It's bad enough that Izzy horns in on my plate licking, completely ignoring my angry growls, but when she begs to get into bed with mom and me at the end of the day, that’s a serious violation of the highest order.

When mom and I started sleeping in the big, tall bed due to daddy's snoring, I was forced to learn to climb a set of rickety steps in order to have bed privileges. It took a while, but I persevered. Mom tried to teach Izzy and gave up in no time at all. She scoops her up and Izzy immediately burrows underneath the covers to nestle into the softest part of mom's body: her midsection. She’s all, "Oh, Izzy's so small. There's no way she can climb those steps." They never make her work for things like I am forced to do.

Since this latest development, I am letting my contempt for the situation be known by pouting waiting under the bed until Izzy leaves to go night-night with daddy. Thankfully, her time with mom is only for a few minutes, which allows me to have the last bark. Once Izzy’s out of the room, I emerge from underneath the bed and jump confidently onto the soft mattress next to mom.

Why must I share my abode with this poopy girl and the other two beasts? I want to be an only dog, dangit!

Dog Speak

Did you know that canines have their own internet slang and abbreviations? As part of your continuing education, I have assembled a short list.

Pawrents
Pawsome
Pawsitive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOL - bark out loud
PITT - pain in the tail
ROTFLMTO - rolling on the floor laughing my tail off
LMTO - laughing my tail off
OTOP - on the other paw
BAYL - bark at you later
YTDNM - you're the dog now, man

Never Trust a Cat

Par-TAY

Saturday afternoon mom suddenly asks, "Sparky, you wanna go party?"

I thought she said potty, but she opened the garage door instead of the patio door, and at that moment I realized she meant "PAR-TAY!" I dashed out to the garage and sat beside the car door to make sure she knew that my answer was "YES!"

Dad packed the car with food, drinks, and other assorted items. We drove a long way to a house where all my favorite humans were gathered. They were eating, drinking, and playing loud music. They also played frisbee outside until a good natured, but uncouth pit bull, took a big steaming crap right in the middle of the yard WHILE THEY WERE PLAYING! It was so stinky mom ran away gagging. There was no more frisbee playing after that.

I'm afraid my partying days are behind me. Mom snapped this picture of me several hours later:

Desertion

I can hardly wait for my humans to be home on the weekends in order to give me their undivided attention. Most weekends, it works out splendidly. This past Friday, however, things started off a little shaky. First, the humans took out the big zippered bags from the top closet shelf. Immediately, Chance began to whine. Really, he sobbed like a baby. This got all the rest of us in a tizzy.

We had good reason to worry, too. The humans threw their clothes in those big bags and left with them early the next morning. They were gone before we even had a chance to say "woof". Dad put Izzy in the crate with food and the rest of us were left to fend for ourselves.

Later, mom’s younger human boy came over and spent the night. He was cool because he brought Leo over. We played and played.

Even though I was having fun, I kept wondering where our parents were and when they planned to return. I worried they may not make it back, so I had some posters made. The reward was going to be several liver treats - pretty tempting, huh?

Finally, late yesterday afternoon, they arrived home, tired and smelling of tamales. I was so overjoyed, I didn't even care that they didn't bring me a doggie bag. I was stuck to mom like glue for the rest of the night.

I've decided that the next time they get those bags down from the closet shelf, I'm going to jump in there and hide under the clothes when they're not looking.

Izzy the Pig

Sunday morning Daddy put food in our bowls as usual. Izzy went straight for our my bowl without a second glance to see if I might want to go first. She turned into a ravenous little pig, right before my eyes, gobbling up the morsels before I even had a chance to react. I stood behind her waiting patiently for my turn and also to let her know that - hello! - others are hungry, too. She responded by growling, showing her teeth, and glaring at me. The nerve! I thought mom might come to my rescue, but she only laughed, muttering something about how I've met my match. Whatever! Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, so I went and stood close to mom hoping for some comfort, or at least a few tidbits of human food. All I received were a couple of obligatory pats on the head. Hmph! When did I lose control?

Porn Dogs

Hubba hubba! Look at these sexy girls.

Toothacres

Father's Day started out deliciously with mom barbecuing on the patio. Two paws up for the new barbecue sauce with Guinness beer in it! YUM-MEE!

After our fill of chicken, we rode out to Arbor Hills Nature Conservatory where I almost fainted from the heat. So did mom.

The day ended in a most interesting manner: visiting a graveyard. Not just any graveyard, but a pet cemetery called Toothacres. Apparently, mom and dad had other dogs before me, but they crossed the Rainbow Bridge before I was born and are buried at Toothacres.

Something about that place creeped me out. My sniffer went bananas and I couldn't stop zig-zagging around those carved stones. I think I had what they call the heebie geebies. Fortunately, we didn't hang around there for long.

Izzy's Blog

Mom is forcing me to advertise Izzy's new blog in this post. I deeply resent this intrusion into my space with every strand of my fur. Okay, I've barked my peace, so go visit if you must. This is all the press she gets, though. *pouts*

Ooops!

Hmm.....wonder what happened to Izzy's new toy? Too bad, so sad.

Well, I would've gotten away with it, but I choked on the stuffing for several minutes. I was forced to go to mom for help. Drats! I must learn to be more cunning.

All Is Well

Last night dad gave me the last of that nasty pink liquid they call medicine. I'm as good as new now and hope to avoid fiascos like that in the future. Even if I forget, mom and dad have promised never to give me a ginormous treat like that again.

Yesterday, I was left in charge of the pack while mom and dad went out. I don't know where they went, but they were gone a very long time and returned to us smelling suspiciously of food. I think it was enchiladas, but there was a strong lime/tequila odor as well, so I can't be sure. I did notice there was no doggie bag for us, though. What nerve. Is that how you treat a supervisor? I kept everyone in line all afternoon and it was not an easy job.

All was forgiven later, when we were able to cuddle on the couch together - my 2nd favorite activity behind getting morsels of human food.

My Crappy Weekend

Friday night, mom came home with 2 plastic bags filled with goodies - all for me us! The suspense was killing me as she dug through the bags, pulling out the new packages one at a time and setting them on the counter. Was it toys, treats, or both?! Her intent was to give us the goodies at the same time, so it took a while to open all the packaging and get everything ready for the BIG HANDOUT. My tail was wagging so fast, I nearly fell over. Spenser placed his nose on the counter which mom knew was an unfair advantage, so she shooed him off, bopping him lightly on the nose. "No Spenser, you have to wait." Good thing she reprimanded him because I was about to read him his rights!

Finally, after hours of waiting, she gave each of us a blue ball. Inside the ball was a large treat. Immediately, I noticed that Spenser and Chance had larger treats than mine, so I devised a plan to hide mine behind the sofa, then charge at Spenser forcefully in hopes that he would become so afraid that he'd run away like the big scaredy cat he is. At that point, I would carry his treat to my special place behind the couch, where I would savor both of them while at the same time going “neener, neener” from my safe place. Well, my plan backfired. Spenser bared his teeth and barked right back at me. His bark was so loud it nearly blew me backwards across the room. Spit even flew out of his mouth! Ah well, no harm, no foul, I coolly returned to my special place and started working on my little ball, trying feverishly to pop the treat disc out.

Spenser and Chance popped their treats out in no time flat. I ventured out from behind the couch to see what crumbs I could get from them, but they were gnawing away with such ferocity that I decided to play it safe, going back to my own scrawny little ball. Pretty soon though, I was able to get the treat out. I ate incredibly fast so that no one else could get it. Yay me!

The next day I pooped several times and my poopies had blood in it. I also threw up. Mom went out for a bit and when she came back, there was more poop and more vomit. Dad asked if we should go to the emergency room. Mom said to wait another day and see what happens. In the meantime, she checked my gum color and watched me like a hawk the rest of the day.

That night, as mom and I snuggled in bed, I moaned and groaned. During the night, I pooped again, but when Mom inspected it the next morning, there was no blood. Thinking I was getting better, she went to the movie with a friend and stayed gone for a long time. When she returned, I had more accidents in the house, including vomit. Daddy said we had run out of carpet cleaner. Since my gum color was fine and I had drunk a little water, mom and dad decided I would see Dr. Fred on Monday morning (today). Daddy even canceled his visit to the dentist, he was so worried about me.

Dr. Fred's nurses are sadistic! They stuck two contraptions up my bum, probed me all over, and peered into my mouth and ears. My displeasure was evident, but they didn't seem to care. Doc said my poop sample indicated that I had something called "enteritis". I was sent home on antibiotics, a liquid medication, and 3 cans of bland food. My $12 treat ended up costing an additional $71, lost sleep, and a new bottle of carpet cleaner.

Sadly, my body has betrayed me, because I'm pretty sure mom will never buy me a treat like that again.

Chihuahua vs Doberman

Can you believe this little wimp was too scared to snatch the bone from that ogre? I would've had that bone in my mouth before you could say "boo". It's all in the attitude, people.

I'm Baaack!

I miss journaling. Of course, mom has to bring my thoughts to life since my delicate paws are not equipped for the mundane task of typing. Pack leaders never perform menial labor, anyway. Where has she been lately, you ask? I can't prove it, but I suspect she has been doing her own journaling at my expense. Well, that's about to change. I do have a life and I want it reported!

For instance, today mom came home and completely threw me off schedule by going straight to the computer instead of to the refrigerator. I was aghast! 'What, no dinner?' I pleaded with my eyes. She continued to ignore me and type on the computer, while I sat there starving. Finally, an hour later she went downstairs and heated up a can of chicken and dumplings which has been our standby all week, and I must admit, it is yummy. For dessert we had a Nutty Buddy - that's my favorite part. Unfortunately, it's also the favorite of Izzy, Chance and Spenser. By the time mom divides the last little bit into four sections, it's hardly worth salivating for.

See, I do have important things going on in my life.

Well, that's enough thinking for one day; I need another nap.

Post Christmas Update

Merry post Christmas, my pawesome pup pals! I hope everyone's day was fantastic!

Moi? My joyous holiday spirit quickly dissipated yesterday when Spenser destroyed the new stuffed toy Izzy and I received for Christmas. He made mince meat out of it in no time flat. It was blue and soft and squeaky. Izzy and I had just been playing tug-of-war with it not an hour before. I would love to be able to exact revenge by shredding his new bone to bits, but since that's impossible, I will continue my verbal lashings every time he comes near me or Mom. Watching him flinch when I lunge at him with my teeth bared gives me great pleasure. *insert diabolical barks here*

The humans bought themselves a stupid video game called Guitar Hero III. Instead of cuddling with me, Mom straps a guitar around her chest every night for hours. What's up with that? It's a cold piece of plastic and it's annoyingly loud. But like a good dog, I keep her spot on the couch warm until she eventually puts the noisy game away.

Izzy has begun sleeping with Mom and me at night. My space is right beside Mom's pillow, so when she tried to venture into my territory, I would emit a low warning growl. She eventually got the message and now has her own spot next to Mom's leg. I think I can live with that. Izzy is pretty cool and she's kinda cute with that tongue hanging out all the time. It's the two big goons that get on my last nerve.

Well, I hope to update my diary more often in the coming year. I miss it here.

I WON!

After months of waiting, it has finally been confirmed that I won a contest to be featured at the end of the Firehouse Dog movie! That's right; my handsome mug will be shown during the closing credits. My big break has finally arrived - woof woof! To think I was worried that Leo's sauciness would win them over, or that Spenser and Chance would sway them with their thick, red coats. I should have had more faith in my cuteness. Look at me now - Hollywood bound! I must get into shape quick in case Speilberg or Oprah come calling!

HO HO HO! Hum

Hey everybody! It's been a while. Let's see...I'm still waiting for the walking regimen to happen. When the humans start a new year I might have a chance then for a firm, slim bod. Mom says we are just too busy to entertain such ideas at the moment, but starting in 2007, we will work our buns off.

Tonight, mom and dad are having guests over, which means that we will be treated like second class citizens. The guests are not "dog people" whatever that means! Mom will be extra nice to us afterwards and give me more treats than anyone else I bet. Well, a pooch can dream, can't he?

On Christmas Eve we will have mom's kids over. Leo and Callie will be there too! That will make 5 dogs and 6 people. Quite a zoo when we're all together. The great thing about them is that they ALL love dogs - especially us. We get lots of attention and treats. Last party had a few of us canines licking the insides of the wine glasses. Now that was a par-TAY!

Merry Christmas everyone. I love all my pup pals and wish them the best Christmas and New Year!

Plugging Along

Mom has come up with a new nickname for me and dare I say it is not very flattering. In fact, I may require therapy soon to deal with the emotional scars. She calls me Rump Roast. Actually, she says, “Come here my little rump roast with legs.” She tries to disguise her insult in that sing-song voice, but she’s not fooling me. T-Bone is a more masculine reference, which I would be more than happy to respond to. But, rump roast? I have decided that I will not respond to that unless she is referring to a large piece of meat cooking on the stove and is about to give me a big juicy taste.

“Exercise” is another word that keeps cropping up in conversation lately. She calls us both pudgy and claims that a good walk around the neighborhood every day will cure our stoutness. So far, all we’ve done is discuss the matter for several days. I am patiently waiting for her to actually open up the cabinet door which houses my leash. If I knew how to open that door, I would take the leash out and bring it to her myself because it appears that we’re going to be in the talking stages for a good while.

Backyard Invasion

I’ve discovered rabbits! A baby bunny rabbit to be precise. The best part is when you put one in your mouth, it squeals. The worst part is when mom runs towards me yelling at the top of her lungs. Only when I knew she was absolutely serious did I let go; however as soon as bunny hit the ground, Chance got it and he would not let go as quickly. Mom kept after him and he finally opened his mouth only to let Spenser get it! Well, Spenser is such a scaredy-cat; he immediately dropped it on the ground after mom yelled at him.

Mom looked like a maniac in the yard. It was quite comical watching her go round and round trying to save the little creature. Thankfully, bunny was only startled. The tiny critter sustained no injuries during the melee. Mom scooped it up into a plastic container and brought it to our dogless neighbor’s yard a few houses down.

Our backyard has never been so exciting! I can’t wait to go out now, even in this brutal Texas heat. In addition to my job guarding Izzy, I now have the added responsibility of keeping our turf free from invaders. Being the alpha dog is exhausting work, I gotta say!

A New Contraption

Mom is always bringing home something to complicate my life. This time, she came home with a miniature staircase. Confused? I was too at first, but soon enough her hideous intentions were revealed. Keep reading.

Assembly was required which caused mom’s voice to become irritated and use naughty words. Already, I hated this new thing. Nope, I didn’t want anything to do with an object that put mom in a bad mood. Once she was done, she placed it next to the bed and announced that it was for me. Huh? Little did she know that I had already decided to boycott this piece of............work.

Later that night she crawled into bed and waited for me. I looked at her, then looked at those stairs that she positioned next to the bed. She really expected me to climb that rickety thing to get to her. No thanks; I’ll think of some other way to get in. She coaxed and coaxed, patting the steps with her hand. “C’mon Sparky! Don’t look so sad. This will help you get into bed easier.” Well, what happened to her picking me up and placing me in the bed? That’s what I’d like to know. #@*!?&#!.

Before I knew it, she switched off the light. Oh, the cruelty, the injustice. Once my eyes adjusted, I did what any proud dog would do; I lunged at the bed over and over and over. Finally, mom got tired of hearing me thud against the side of the mattress and picked me up. Ah, sweet relief at last.

I hope I have made my point and will not be forced to go through that exercise again! I love my humans and all, but this is ridiculous!

Little Pink Presents

Today mom said she had to run an errand. Apparently she went shopping because she returned with several bags. Inside were 2 pink doggie beds and pink doggie toys. When she set the beds down to show daddy, I immediately jumped into the softest one and snuggled in. They laughed at me and said, "Sparky, you're too big for that bed and besides it's pink!" Why do I care what color it is?! So, I guess if it's pink, that means it's for Izzy. Yuck! Girls are icky! At least I rubbed my scent all over the new bed so she will be forced to think of me every time she gets in it. And my body fit perfectly in the space no matter what anyone says.

On to more serious matters. Izzy had to go to the doctor yesterday for an upper respiratory problem and something called Puppy Pyoderma, which is a mild skin infection. She had x-rays taken, as well as a thermometer shoved up her tiny bum. Mom said she screamed. Wish I could have been there for that. Hee hee. Izzy is on antibiotics and benedryl for 10 days. Next Saturday she may finally get her vaccines started. Oh, I hope mom will let me be there for that! I so deserve some gloat time.

Mom still calls me her baby and treats me the same as before; however, I no longer have exclusive time with her. I must share with the poopy girl puppy. I mean that literally by the way. She knows to use the newspaper for tee-tee, but she poops anywhere she feels like it. When mom and dad find her little presents, they only say, "Oh Izzy, your poop is smaller than a tootsie roll!" If I poop in the house I get reprimanded. I'm really surprised her poop is not pink.

My life at the moment is so unfair, but I still love my peeps. In the end, we're all part of a tight-knit pack. My main duty is to advise everyone of their place within the pack. This job can be exhausting at times, but someone has to be in charge.

More Izzy Issues

As I suspected, the new creature is taking up most of mom and dad's time. In order to make them aware of my displeasure, I put on the most pathetic face I can muster. All my efforts at protecting IZZY seem to make not a whit of difference to them. She was even given the best privilege of all: being on mom and dad's bed. Spenser tried to jump up and sniff her, so I lunged at him, showing my teeth. He stayed away too, further solidifying my high rank in the pack.

I understand that a small *ahem* dog like Izzy needs more attention than the rest of us. Mom says when she gets bigger, she will not have to spend as much time with her. I hope that is the case because I am quite put out with the entire situation. I'm a patient fellow, but if things don't go back to normal soon, I may have to start acting out. Maybe a pair of shoes will suddenly be destroyed, or the edge of a rug chewed up. I'm sure I can come up with something.

In other news, it is now a new season of Rock Star. Mom is obsessed once again. I'll be so happy when this TV show is over. My ears hurt. Why do humans have to play music so loud? I guess they're just human beings, being human. So glad that I'm a dog.

Cheers all and have a great weekend!